I know I said my next blog post was going to be about Africa, but you also know I'm the queen of procrastinating when it comes to post that are important to me. I'm a perfectionist and if it's something that actually had a message, I need it to meet certain sexy little hippie standards. It is coming. Don't you worry.
Today on the other hand, I'm losing my goddamn mind. Every aspect of my life seems to be in shambles right now, but I do believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, so no one worry, I am not suicidal. People go through tough periods to make them enjoy the good ones that follow afterwards. Look at all that optimism!!!
I may or may not be making the dumbest decision of my life, but I think I'm going to get a tattoo. Eventually a half sleeve. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but it's huge to me. I'm so indecisive and a tattoo is so permanent. What if I hate it? What if it doesn't come out looking the way I want to? It took me 23 years to get the courage to even seriously consider doing this. This is a mega deal.
So I've sort of decided to go with a half sleeve. I don't want it on my foot or hip or lower back or legs. All those places seem slutty. I also want it to be in a location that can be covered up. Someday I will be the president of the PTA. And getting just one seems silly. It'll probably start off as a cap.
I pretty much have ideas of everything I want. I want a green bow. And on the outline I want it to have breaks with my nephews names, my father's and cousin's death-a-versary, the dates I was admitted into the hospital and maybe a short quote. Depends on the space. Next, I want a Luna P, an outline of a cupcake, a tree with the roots exposed, a cartoon beagle, and the big one will be the pink sugar stick doing pink sugar heart attack down the side of my back. No, that is nothing sexual, but if it was, it sounds like it would be hot. Pink sugar heart attack is a move performed my Sailor Mini Moon. Being an anime junkie was a big part of my life. It's my happy place. Here comes the kicker, to fill in the spaces between everything will be a, wait for it, . . . Zombie! Very lightly drawn where you can't see it unless you look. I'll probably throw some hearts and some more bows in there where I can, but doesn't it sound like THE coolest sleeve ever?! Even just writing about it got me all excited.
I'm concerned about some of the colors. Also that this is just a phase. Why wait until I'm 23 to mutilate my body? I've already been a rebellious teenager. Why now? My first love referred to me once as his delicate flower. I've actually been referred to as a delicate flower by several boyfriends, so that's the role I always let myself take. Wanting and longing to have this perfect, June Cleaver life. That isn't my life and it never will be. I'm just having a realization of this and thats what has brought up the thought of a tattoo.
I don't want to be a delicate flower anymore. That's how I let everyone break me so easily. In the past 2 years, I've realized that people always leave, they always disappoint and once they don't need you anymore, they completely stop caring. So I'm saying fuck 'um! Fuck everyone that has hurt me and made me shed a tear. I will be stronger.
I have to save my life. I'm falling in a direction I don't want to be and I have to pull myself out.
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