Hello, folks. Sorry I haven't been on here in awhile. With my great grandmother passing and every thing else going on in my life, I've definitely neglected my blog, and for that, I apologize.
I do want to take a few moments to speak about my Grandma Bay.
If I had to use one word to describe my grandmother, I would say vibrant. To the day she died, she was the most vibrant person everyday. She was always all the way turned up, but in a good way. It wasn't possible to be blue around her. She would say or do something crazy that would lighten up your soul. Her personality was infectious. She lived 100 beautiful, long years and I thank god for everyone of those days I got to share with her.
All these changes in my life have had me thinking a lot about the people I surround myself with. I try not to ever get mad about friendships growing apart. People change and sometimes the ones you surround yourself with have to change also. It's not a bad thing, it's called growing up.
I'm finding myself in a moment in life where I'm realizing I have no close friends. The people I thought were close have no clue what's going on in my life, nor do I think they really care. I know this may sound bad and I'm honestly not sure if I'm at fault or they are. I've always felt like since the breakup of me and my ex, none of my friends have wanted to have anything to do with me. I've felt like they thought less of me and the decisions I've made. I felt judged and like no one really took my side. Even hanging out with them since, I honestly felt uncomfortable around them. Like everyone is just whispering behind my back. It may be all in my head, or this may be how they honestly feel about me, but because I've had this feeling, I've just kept my distance. The thing that they don't understand is, I'm happy. I'm where I want to be. I could have spent the rest of my life miserable, pretending to be this Martha Stewart housewife, and developing a prescription pill and wine problem in my late 30s (that was where I saw my future). I may not have made my decision under the best circumstances, but it was my decision to make, and one I'm happy with.
If it was the other way around, I would never judge my friends. As long as they were still the same old person I've always loved, I wouldn't care how they got to their happy ending, as long as they got there.
Like I said, all this may be in my head, but nothing has ever made me think otherwise. The hard part is all the exciting things happening in my life the next few months, I do have any close friends to run and share it with. It's depressing. I use to feel like I was surrounded by so much love in my life, and now I'm facing the world alone.
I want to spend the next few months making myself a better person, which in turn I hope will make me a better friend. If its to old friends or new, it doesn't matter, I'm just ready to have that bond again.
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